Australian Government Invests in Money Tree

Exclusive : The Rudd government will tomorrow announce the spending of 200 million dollars over two years on the development a world first money tree. The grant will see the CSIRO expand its Clayton R&D labs in Victoria and the appointment of 100 new scientists.

In a leaked press release, Australia’s Chief Scientist, Professor Penny Exuberance said during the twentieth meeting of the Prime Minister’s Science, Engineering and Innovation Council (PMSEIC) held in June 2009, the chair, Prime Minister William Rudd expressed the extreme difficulties the Australian economy would face.

Rudd briefed the council that “Between 1996 and 2007, there was a 460 per cent increase in credit card debt, a 340 per cent increase in household debt, a 450 per cent increase in corporate debt and a 200 per cent increase in net foreign debt.”

“This crisis has shown we have reached the limits of a purely debt-fuelled global growth strategy. We must begin to plan for a properly globally co-ordinated withdrawal of the extraordinary interventions we implemented in the first phase of the crisis.”

“But it is a delicate balancing act. An early withdrawal of stimulus can endanger confidence and economic recovery.”

Professor Exuberance said “simply that Australian’s have been spending more than they earned since 2002. In late 2008 consumers started to run out of money or more precisely access to cheap credit and tightened their purse strings. This meant a double whammy. Not only are Australian’s faced with having to live within their means, they must also pay down the mountains of debt they owe. As they pay down this debt, it is additional money being stripped from the domestic economy which was otherwise underpinning domestic jobs. It’s a big problem.”

“The Rudd government took decisive action with an unprecedented fiscal stimulus designed to prop up spending, back to the unsustainable rates to literally buy time so a more coordinated solution could be sought. This has worked extremely well with most Australian’s thinking Australia will come out of the Global Financial Crisis almost unscathed. The housing market is booming. Confidence is up. Now the challenge is to develop the money tree before Australians once again start to run out of stimulus/credit and realise the steep drop between their current levels of spending, and a more sustainable level of spending minus the paying down of their excessive debts.”

We contacted the office of the Prime Minister today to ask if the project is considered risky and given the circumstances, if the money should be spent on infrastructure instead. In a written statement, Mr Rudd said “The project will be self funding. Once we have developed the first prototype, the CSIRO in partnership with the treasury plans to propagate the plant. An initial forecast is for one fully grown plant to grow ten $100 polymer notes per annum. If treasury plants two hundred thousand trees, the Commonwealth can achieve payback within one year”

With no comment from the Prime Minister on the likely success of the project, we sought advice from the Director of CSIRO’s Division of Molecular & Health Science, Dr Richard Newton. Dr Newton was overly confident telling us “The CSIRO Division of Chemicals and Polymers (now known as the Division of Molecular & Health Science) had an integral part to play with the release of Australia’s non-forgeable polymer money. The clear windows and optically variable device is made by a secret process invented by the CSIRO. We had the experience then to develop a ground breaking non-forgeable note then, we have the expertise to develop a money tree, now.”

Opposition Leader, Mike Turnbull was scathing of the radical idea. “What an utter waste of tax payer’s money. I doubt if they will be successful. Even if they are, it will wreck the finance system leading to massive hyperinflation.”

“Under section 19 of the Crimes (Currency) Act 1981, the act prohibits the designing, making, printing or distributing of representations of notes capable of misleading people to believe they are genuine notes, unless consent has been given by either the Reserve Bank or Treasury. The opposition will oppose any changes to the legislation making money trees legal”

We also contacted the Housing Minister for her comments. The Honorable Ms Tanya Property said “This is an excellent idea. Not only will it enable the government to extend the first home buyers grant, home owners will be able to grow their own money allowing them to upgrade to larger and larger dwellings. I was starting to get a bit worried as to what would happen as house prices unsustainably continued to outstrip median wages. I was worried having to go to Wayne Swan and ask to increase the FHOB beyond September to prevent the housing market collapsing”

“Since 2002 Australian’s thought money grew on trees. In two years time, it will become reality. I’m excited.”